Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Beauty For Ashes

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness." Isaiah 61:3

When you struggle with infertility for five years, give birth to what you consider a miracle baby, and then use birth control deemed as 98.9% effective, the last words you expect to hear from your doctor are "Congratulations! You are pregnant." But this is exactly where I found myself in August.

Our shock soon turned to gratitude and humility, even awe as I pondered the path my life has taken, which is so very different from the map I created for my own life.

Quietly, I have found peace in this precious gift inside of me. For with it comes pure knowledge that life goes on, that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows exactly what I need to take the sting out of my father's death.

So many nights as I lay in bed absorbed in my grief, this baby is the oil of joy for my mourning, the beauty for ashes. I know my dad is ready to go. His suffering is really too great to ask him to stay. I have great peace in knowing that he will soon be free from his pain, able to live and laugh and once again be the strong, charasmatic, happy man I know him to be.

And yet, and yet....I cannot fully comprehend my life without him. I don't know how to begin to fill the void I will feel in his absence. But I do know, this angel baby will come in April, fresh from my father's arms. I know the crater slowly forming in my heart will hurt a bit less as I am enveloped in the sweet spirit of a newborn babe.

I am profoundly grateful for this gift which I didn't even know I needed.


Brooke said...

i'm thinking of you. and i'm so excited for baby NUMBER FOUR! music to my ears.


Jana said...

ARE YOU SERIOUS????? I had to read and re-read to make sure what I was seeing is true. I am so happy for your family. SO COOL!!!!!!

cindy said...

Jill, you have been going through more than I even realized!
I am so happy for you. Obviously this baby was absolutely meant to join your sweet family!

Rachel said...

Oh Jill - Congratulations! I can't think of anything more wonderful! I'm so happy for you and your sweet family! Miss You!

penny said...

Hi Jill,
I am a friend of Cindy's.....followed her blog to yours. I had a baby a year after my dad died. Truly , my baby saved me. I have had moments when I think I hurt so much and can't face another day without my dad and then... a whispering....." you have baby Nate" Babies are a gift. I know my dad played a part in sending my sweet boy.

Shelley said...

I wondered why the long comment I wrote you last week disappeared into cyberspace.... I had just read your post about your dad's final weeks, and remembered so clearly going through that with my dad. But with this new news I'm glad you didn't read my sad post. A perfect answer for your loss, a new babe kissed "bon voyage" as he or she enters your life. Wonderful news, and I can't wait to meet the little one!

Anonymous said...

That is really wonderful news about the pregnancy...congratulations!

Whitney said...

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am of your dad's passing. I know you have stuggled with his illness for sometime. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Also, I wanted to give my congratulations to your wonderful family. What a blessing this baby will be in your life when you need it most. Love always,